mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
