If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
