Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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