If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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