i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
