glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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