Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
we're making bets on your personal life
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I use my feet as sexual weapons
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
