worst night to have a conscience
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
