I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
it's like iHOP with fire
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
