morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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