I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
