capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
