I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
