I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
why do cheetos always look like penises
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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