We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
