Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
