If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
