You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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