I wish I could punch you in the face.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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