No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
