Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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