And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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