omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
