peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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