i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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