They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
