is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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