Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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