i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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