i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My balls are so social today.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
