EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I will be naked everywhere
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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