I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
