And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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