You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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