I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
