he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
