High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
