I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
