Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How naked do you want me to be?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
