Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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