I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How does one acquire holy water?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
