I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
