I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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