Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I intend to get homeless drunk
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
