awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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