spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
