he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
