i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
