his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
