Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Boobs speak an international language.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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