Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
