You smell like a Billy Joel song
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm passing your future prison.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
