I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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