omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
oh god was she eating orange peels again
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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