i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
